Trail 79 - Haunted Trail

Hash Trash MountainBeers Trail 79 – Haunted Trail by Free Sexx Cock Fight and Virgin hare Majid led us through the haunted forest on a frighteningly shitty trail. On-Out The night began innocently enough, but it would not remain so for long. As per usual, we spent an inordinate amount of time pre-lubing at Gene’s Beer Garden waiting for trail to start. The Raunchy Reverend hosted his world-famous Glow-Cock Ring-Toss carny game. The first several contestants couldn’t get their rings over Reverend’s massive tip. Hogtied finally won the game by applying the first ring with her mouth. LiqHer Hard also proved that he knows his way around the Reverend’s crotch, scoring three out of three on his first try. Jesus arrived late to the party, proving that he can, in fact, go hashing. On-out was called, but not before Jesus got to second base with Sister Flatus.

Trail #1 The first leg of the trail wasn’t very far away, but some over-enthusiastic hounds decided to give us some extra r*nning. These racists ran a half-mile past the false trail along White Avenue. We backtracked another half-mile and almost got eaten by a giant Rottweiler entering the woods. Beer Near #1 The MountainBeers learned a great deal during the first beer stop. NFHN Nick taught us an important lesson about the afterlife. When you defile someone’s furniture by having sex on top of it, the owner’s eternal soul becomes enslaved to you in the afterlife. The Raunchy Reverend prayed to the heavens for guidance on the matter. Jesus promptly confirmed the ancient Defilement Right of Bondage. After these important life lessons it was time for on-out. The hounds quickly downed their Keystone Enlightenment with enthusiasm and began the uphill battle to inebriation. Trail #2 The hounds continued along the woods and up the steep hills of South Park. The thick brush drew blood from more than one hasher. I’m still picking off briars a week later. The climb was well worth the effort. At the peak of South Park, just behind the slip ‘n slide of old, was the entrance of Haunted Forest. A mysterious voice greeted us at the entrance warning us of our impending doom. Onward! Haunted Trail Ghosts, goblins, and werewolves wandered freely about as we journeyed through the woods. The hashers huddled together, stepping over the human remains and thick spider webs littering the dirt pathways. The second beer near was located in a small ravine surrounded by three large mounds. The MountainBeers continued to drink enlightenment while Sister Flatus and Jesus watched in judgment - perched atop the highest mound. Satan took advantage of the distraction and snuck up behind the happy couple. He won a round of King of the Mountain and began his evil reign over the second beer near.

Haunted Trail #2 The hounds continued to follow the haunted trail, winding their way through the woods. Sinister laughter echoed through the forest as the group neared a tattered wooden tree-bridge. The wood creaked under the weight of the first few brave hounds, leading several others to seek safer crossing. Suddenly, a Bridge Troll blocked the path of our valiant heroes. Sister Flatus pushed forward and flashed her Breasts of Fury, leaving the troll dazed and confused.

Shot Check #1 The first shot check was found on the far end of the ragged troll bridge. A bottle of Burnett’s Whippy slutted itself out around the circle of eager MountainBeers. Officer Half Mind showed up with a Warrant to Strip Search, but left disappointed when only Sister Flatus obliged. Haunted Trail #3 Double Dribble’s virgin blazed the way ahead for the last stretch of the Haunted Forest. He found a teddy bear that had quite obviously been lost in the woods for at least a decade. Regardless, he lugged her around for the rest of trail. I don’t even want to guess as to what sinister scheme he had in mind for that poor teddy. Several hashers reported mysterious ass-grabbing. Some believe it was the work of a particularly naughty Double Dribble, but I think it was the Ghost of Hashmas Past. Shot Check #2 The haunted trail emptied out into the graveyard at the top of Dorsey. Another bottle of Burnett’s was whored out (pumpkin?) amongst the gravestones. Sadly, I had to make an early escape to meet up with Buns so that we could watch Pigeons Playing Ping Pong for a completely different adventure.

Trail 77 - Songmeister Hash and Beer Mile

Hash Trash
MountainBeers Trail 77 – Songmeister’s Hash and Beer Mile
by Free Sexx

Another shitty trail in the books, brought to you by everyone’s favorite flatulent doctor. We r*n, we drank, we sang – and everyone was merry.

Trail #1
The seventy-seventh r*nning of the MountainBeers began at Gene’s Beer Garden in the waning daylight hours. We were off to a late start, mostly because our hare fell on his face before even leaving for on-out. The good Doctor Flatus prescribed a heavy dose of false trails for the first leg of the trail. We zig-zagged through every street of South Park until we finally arrived at the ideal music venue to display our significant singing prowess.

Beer Near #1
We meandered in to 123 Pleasant Street and were immediately greeted with Canada’s greatest export – Black Label. We crammed in the nearest booth and began to serenade 123’s finest. Masocreme and Cock Fight taught us several new songs. I an quite disappointed that we weren’t signed to a record deal on the spot. Seaman Service of Harlottesville H3 finally caught up with us as we were preparing our exit. We gave her a down-down for being a short-cutting bastard, and another one for being a Baylor fan. On-out.

Trail #2
The second leg of the trail was long and exhausting. We weaved through town along Beechurst, avoiding angry motorists as best we could. Free Sexx got separated from the pack following the trail a little too eagerly. After a mile he found himself r*nning alone and frightened. So he hid in the bushes beside the power plant until he heard the familiar shouts of “On-On!” After three more decades of scratching and clawing our way beside the Mon River we finally arrived at our destination.

Beer Near #2
Our French virgin immediately surrendered and retreated back to town – big fucking surprise there. He must have heard that we had German beers planning a blitzkrieg on our livers.

The second leg was long and arduous, but it was well worth the effort! Doctor Flatus and Masocreme awarded us with lots of quality beer and some smoky treats. Betweener Buns tried to smother Free Sexx with her vagina during the photoshoot – not a bad way to die, to be sure. Everyone was properdrunk by the end of the stop, and we still had a Beer Mile to navigate!

Beer Mile
The last leg took us up the steep embankment of the arboretum. Our calves were already feeling the strain before we entered the track. A local football player stopped his training long enough to witness the clusterfuck that was about the go down. Drunken rookies that we are, we split into four teams and turned it into a relay race. Doctor Flatus dragged a giant garbage bag full of Busch out from a dark corner and set up the track. The first four runners all pounded their beer with enthusiasm, slammed the empty aluminum against the pavement, and were off. The enthusiasm quite visibly waned by the time they rounded the last stretch of track. The Raunchy Reverend was the first to cross the threshold, with NFHN Majid close behind. The im-pious Reverend had to hold his stomach in place to keep it from exploding through his esophagus. Doctor Flatus was noticeably hallucinating from dehydration. By the time the second lap was completed, Seaman spewed all over the track.

The Cock Fight-NFHN Majid team was pulling ahead at the beginning of the last lap. Free Sexx finally caught up with him around the first turn. He made his move and passed Cock Fight just around the halfway point, but it would prove to be too soon. The two sprinted with all their might along the final stretch. Cock’s Fight proved just a little bit stronger than Free Sexx. He dove across the finish line just a fraction of a second before his opponent, then collapsed in victory. Congratulations Team Cockjid!

The MountainBeers planned to meet back at Gene’s for circle. But as they crawled back to town it became quite evident that no one was capable of standing long enough for the much venerated ceremony.

Trail 74 - Shittiest Hash on Earth

Hash Trash

MountainBeers Trail 74 - The Shittiest Hash on Earth

by Free Sexx

Trail 74 certainly lived up to its name.  The shittiest hash on earth was the Oregon Trail of hashes.  There were massive trail wounds, rivers forded, animal skulls, and Cock Fight died of dysentery.  Double Dribble even overdosed on head (who said head?).  The blood, sweat, and tears of the MountainBeers still lines the streets of Morgantown on the morning after.

The tears began at Gene’s, the MountainBeers’ favorite garden.  Doctor Flatus made his triumphant homecoming after four long months of inspecting the Euopean kennels.  Many masculine tears were shed as the hounds wept with joy at his return.  After chalk talk, the grueling journey began in earnest.  The first hash crash occurred by the second block.  Raunchy Reverend tripped over his own giant feet and determined that the cement sidewalk was the best place for a clean landing.  He was wrong.  He spent much of the first leg of trail holding his finger to keep it from falling off of his hand.  Sidewalk: 1; Reverend: 0.

We continued through South Park with nary a wrong turn.  The hounds briefly lost sight of the trail beneath Mexi-Can-I’s house until someone shouted “There!  Across the pipeline!”  We crossed the mighty rapids of Decker’s Creek without losing a single hound to drowning.  We quickly lost trail again because apparently three white on-ons means false trail.  We climbed another snake-infested hill and finally arrived at the first Shot Check.

Shot Check #1

 It only took fifteen minutes of combing the woods before one of the virgins found the bottle hidden under a tree.  The MountainBeers swiftly quenched their thirst with a bottle of Burnett’s.  Doctor Flatus entertained us with a sexy rendition of Hamlet using a deer skull that he found in the forest.

Trail 2

We immediately lost the trail of chalk after the first shot check.  The hares led us through the woods, but doubled back to Forest Avenue under cover of shrubbery – sneaky wankers.  The hounds trekked back through downtown, frightening many confused onlookers with their shouting.  Across the bridge we stumbled upon a new mark – the FU?.  Fuck it, we split into three groups and followed three separate trails through First Ward to the next Beer Near at the home of Well Drilled.

Beer Near #1

The hares provided us with another giant FU – Miller Lite.  Burning Bubbles, a travel hasher from Colombus H3, told us of the tales that granted her three out of her five hash names – Burning Bubbles, Filthy Whore, and Squirts in Circle.  The remaining MountainBeers slowly trickled in during this lengthy stop because almost everyone was lost following the FU?. 

Trail 3

Surprise, surprise!  The half-minds at MBH3 lost track of the trail two blocks into the third leg.  They scoured the graveyard for any hint of white powder for fifteen minutes to no avail.  Turd Burglar had hidden the next on-on behind a car around the corner and three blocks down.  The piles of flour took us through some beautiful nighttime shiggy in the woods behind White Park.

The second shot check once again filled our bellies full of Burnett’s.  We really should look into sponsorship.

Trail 4

Holy shit, we lost the trail again after we left the third booze stop!  Ninety-percent of the MountainBeers pushed on through the woods without any flour to guide them.  With no sight of trail, many decided to start walking back to Gene’s.  Instead, they accidently found trail again on the other side of the baseball field and followed it to the graveyard.  The hounds trampled over top of their long-dead ancestors in search of lost treasure, which was hidden behind a crumbling mausoleum. We were having so much fun that Ezekial von Boozehound burst from his grave and joined us for the final Beer Near.

Circle

 The MountainBeers were finally called in to circle at Gene’s Beer Garden after just under eight miles of shitty trail.  Virgin Alvi was feeling a tad beerlemic, so he emptied the contents of his stomach so that he had more room for beer – great strategy!  The hares were of course called in to circle for such a shitty trail.  Masocreme was called in circle for excessive erection of the nipples.    As such, circle closed with a titillating nipple contest.  I’m not sure who supposedly won, but we all lost just a little bit of dignity that day.  Shit hash.

Trail 72 - Animal House Furry Hash

Hash Trash
MountainBeers Trail 72 - Animal House Furry Hash
by Double Dribble

So here's what i remember. We started at Nexi-Can-I's place, where there was a cooler filled with jungle juice and fruit. The hares wanted an unreasonable head start and the beer had to come back out of the house to kill some time.

We took off and did a good job making it to the first beer near, a place Reverend called Shantytown. We tried - somewhat successfully - to remember No Caulk Included's awesome weekday song and took a few pics. Rip n Dip stole the lone prized possession of the homeless person clearly squatting by the river, a tennis racket (naughty-naughty).

After that, we backtracked, as instructed, to the main path (it's the paved one we end up on a lot). The cover of darkness and inexperienced hashers made for some confusion. I was separated from the group with two others (Dick Ninja and a NFHN, I think). We finally found our way back and met up with the rest of the hares near Clutch I think. A few more blocks and we tried to solicit more virgins to join, but lazily they declined.

We made our way into the woods, only to find that the platform overlooking the gorgeous industrial plant was removed and we had to rest in the dirt. A long round of "i used to work in Chicago" was enjoyed by all. One virgin even added "respect she wanted, and respect she got because I'm a nice guy".

On on up the hill and through some shiggy. We wound up back in town and made it to the third beer near. I have no idea where this place is. We had jello shots once we arrived there. There's an overturned couch at the end of the road and a shiggy hill behind the couch. To the right is a wall of rock and it's covered with fencing to hold it I believe. Many hashers were vallef upon to recount the stories that earned them their names, including liq her and hog tied. From there everyone knew mexi-can-is place was the last stop, and the last leg was a leisurely stroll for some. I ended up talking to Josh Kurnott and mexi-can-is neighbors and missed most of circle. Apparently border patrol called herself into circle for something.