Hash Trash
MountainBeers Trail 77 – Songmeister’s Hash and Beer Mile
by Free Sexx
Another shitty trail in the books, brought to you by everyone’s favorite flatulent doctor. We r*n, we drank, we sang – and everyone was merry.
Trail #1
The seventy-seventh r*nning of the MountainBeers began at Gene’s Beer Garden in the waning daylight hours. We were off to a late start, mostly because our hare fell on his face before even leaving for on-out. The good Doctor Flatus prescribed a heavy dose of false trails for the first leg of the trail. We zig-zagged through every street of South Park until we finally arrived at the ideal music venue to display our significant singing prowess.
Beer Near #1
We meandered in to 123 Pleasant Street and were immediately greeted with Canada’s greatest export – Black Label. We crammed in the nearest booth and began to serenade 123’s finest. Masocreme and Cock Fight taught us several new songs. I an quite disappointed that we weren’t signed to a record deal on the spot. Seaman Service of Harlottesville H3 finally caught up with us as we were preparing our exit. We gave her a down-down for being a short-cutting bastard, and another one for being a Baylor fan. On-out.
Trail #2
The second leg of the trail was long and exhausting. We weaved through town along Beechurst, avoiding angry motorists as best we could. Free Sexx got separated from the pack following the trail a little too eagerly. After a mile he found himself r*nning alone and frightened. So he hid in the bushes beside the power plant until he heard the familiar shouts of “On-On!” After three more decades of scratching and clawing our way beside the Mon River we finally arrived at our destination.
Beer Near #2
Our French virgin immediately surrendered and retreated back to town – big fucking surprise there. He must have heard that we had German beers planning a blitzkrieg on our livers.
The second leg was long and arduous, but it was well worth the effort! Doctor Flatus and Masocreme awarded us with lots of quality beer and some smoky treats. Betweener Buns tried to smother Free Sexx with her vagina during the photoshoot – not a bad way to die, to be sure. Everyone was properdrunk by the end of the stop, and we still had a Beer Mile to navigate!
Beer Mile
The last leg took us up the steep embankment of the arboretum. Our calves were already feeling the strain before we entered the track. A local football player stopped his training long enough to witness the clusterfuck that was about the go down. Drunken rookies that we are, we split into four teams and turned it into a relay race. Doctor Flatus dragged a giant garbage bag full of Busch out from a dark corner and set up the track. The first four runners all pounded their beer with enthusiasm, slammed the empty aluminum against the pavement, and were off. The enthusiasm quite visibly waned by the time they rounded the last stretch of track. The Raunchy Reverend was the first to cross the threshold, with NFHN Majid close behind. The im-pious Reverend had to hold his stomach in place to keep it from exploding through his esophagus. Doctor Flatus was noticeably hallucinating from dehydration. By the time the second lap was completed, Seaman spewed all over the track.
The Cock Fight-NFHN Majid team was pulling ahead at the beginning of the last lap. Free Sexx finally caught up with him around the first turn. He made his move and passed Cock Fight just around the halfway point, but it would prove to be too soon. The two sprinted with all their might along the final stretch. Cock’s Fight proved just a little bit stronger than Free Sexx. He dove across the finish line just a fraction of a second before his opponent, then collapsed in victory. Congratulations Team Cockjid!
The MountainBeers planned to meet back at Gene’s for circle. But as they crawled back to town it became quite evident that no one was capable of standing long enough for the much venerated ceremony.
